Breaking the Barriers with New Wave Coaching

Wave Goodbye, Say Hello!™ Series #12

2008-11-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

Do you feel like your career is being derailed?

Get on Track! Be on Track! Stay on Track!™

12. Overreacting to Circumstances

When this is present, we become overly disturbed or distressed by what happens to others or ourselves. It interferes with our ability to maintain a strong sense of who we are under extreme conditions. This limits our ability to see things clearly and make informed decisions. We jump to conclusions by making erroneous assumptions.

When this dynamic is removed, we feel a sense of balance or calmness, whether we are experiencing a joyful or painful event. This balance allows us to maintain perspective and not take things personally when business crises occur, allowing us to lead with resolve.

What's up Next: How the wavemaker works to free you of these core dynamics.

Wave Goodbye, Say Hello!™ Series #11

2008-11-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

Do you feel like your career is being derailed?

Get on Track! Be on Track! Stay on Track!™

Basically when this happens, we manufacture interpretations by unknowingly fabricating explanations. We get overly absorbed in trying to explain or interpret events, instead of recognizing things “are what they are.” There is nothing to explain. This behavior is based on the illusion that everything is not perfect as it is. Our intellect gets in the way and tries to justify things instead of accepting them as they are. When this dynamic is absent, we tend to be in the flow and appreciate the present. From a business perspective, we learn to capitalize on a situation, rather than to fight it. Hence, we take the path of least resistance, which enables us to see opportunities and move forward.

Stay tuned for #12: Overreacting to Circumstances

Wave Goodbye, Say Hello!™ Series #10

2008-11-03T08:00:00.000-08:00

Do you feel like your career is being derailed?

Get on Track! Be on Track! Stay on Track!™

This is a continuation of our series on achieving success. Many of us are plagued with habits that keep us from being the best that we can be in our job, our career, or in life. Say Hello,Wave Goodbye!™ is an innovative coaching approach that removes those destructive habits and allows you to move forward and gain success. This series of blogs addresses the 12 most common habits that hold you back. They are called Core Dynamics of Common Problems™, which are excerpted from my chapter in the book, Coaching for Success (2008). You’ll learn why you are stuck and how the removal of these dynamics will set you free to pursue your goals. Last time we covered Trying to Force an Outcome. This issue will cover Needing to be Right.

10. Needing to be Right

What happens here is excluding others’ perspectives. When this dynamic is present, we tend to over identify with our minds and think we have and need to have all of the answers. It comes from not recognizing the difference between thinking with our minds and knowing from our deepest level or our soul. When this dynamic is absent, we are free to continually be open to new ways of seeing things and increase our creativity. With that mindset, we start to look for greater possibilities that could lead to serendipitous results and creative breakthroughs, rather than narrowly focusing on a solution to one particular problem and never seeing beyond it.

Stay tuned for #11: Biasing Reality

Wave Goodbye, Say Hello!™ Series #9

2008-10-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

Do you feel like your career is being derailed?

Get on Track! Be on Track! Stay on Track!™

This is a continuation of our series on achieving success. Many of us are plagued with habits that keep us from being the best that we can be in our job, our career, or in life. Say Hello,Wave Goodbye!™ is an innovative coaching approach that removes those destructive habits and allows you to move forward and gain success. This series of blogs addresses the 12 most common habits that hold you back. They are called Core Dynamics of Common Problems™, which are excerpted from my chapter in the book, Coaching for Success (2008). You’ll learn why you are stuck and how the removal of these dynamics will set you free to pursue your goals.Last time we covered Playing it Safe. This issue will cover Trying to Force an Outcome.

9. Trying to Force an Outcome

When this dynamic is operating, people feel compelled to make things happen. These folks are commonly known as control freaks. They want things done in a particular way or in a particular time frame—“my way or the highway.” They mistakenly believe that they alone have control over what happens in their lives.

When this dynamic is removed, they get a sense of themselves from the essential nature of who they are rather than from their actions or accomplishments. This is true particularly in leadership roles. Many leaders who have to lead and direct others make the mistake of thinking that they are the ones who have to do it, as opposed to setting the example and letting others take on their own responsibilities.

Stay tuned for #10: Needing to be Right

Wave Goodbye, Say Hello!™ Series #8

2008-10-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

Do you feel like your career is being derailed?

Get on Track! Be on Track! Stay on Track!™

This is a continuation of our series on achieving success. Many of us are plagued with habits that keep us from being the best that we can be in our job, our career, or in life. Say Hello,Wave Goodbye!™ is an innovative coaching approach that removes those destructive habits and allows you to move forward and gain success. This series of blogs addresses the 12 most common habits that hold you back. They are called Core Dynamics of Common Problems™, which are excerpted from my chapter in the book, Coaching for Success (2008). You’ll learn why you are stuck and how the removal of these dynamics will set you free to pursue your goals. Last time we covered Fearing Change. This issue will cover Playing it Safe.

8. Playing it Safe

This dynamic is particularly prevalent among women who are commonly taught to “be nice” and not make waves. So sometimes the glass ceiling can be self-imposed, negatively affecting their careers. It also affects men preparing for executive positions. Here, both men and women are limiting self-expression because they tend to hold themselves back in the fear of losing approval of others or that they’ll be leaving others behind. It’s based on the illusion that if they powerfully express themselves; they are going to be isolated. Many times people who could go well beyond their potential are afraid that if they really express themselves and do what they really want to do, their peers, their parents, or their family won’t love them anymore. They’ll be abandoned and they will feel lonely at the top. What they don’t realize is that there are other people at the top and that they will make new friends.

Regrettably, playing it safe because of fear of isolation promotes mediocrity. We see this all the time in business. In the corporate environment there are often politics involved. Knowing how to express oneself in a politically charged environment adds to the challenge, but is possible. Thus, when this dynamic is removed, one can say, “I am fully self-expressed without fearing loss of love of others.”

Stay tuned for #9: Trying To Force an Outcome

Wave Goodbye, Say Hello!™ Series #7

2008-10-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

Do you feel like your career is being derailed?

Get on Track! Be on Track! Stay on Track!™

When you’re free of this dynamic, your attitude changes. You are likely to say, “Wow, I have no idea what’s going to happen, but whatever it is, it’s going to be a good surprise.” In my case, for the first twenty years of business, every January I would say to myself, “Oh gosh, I wonder where my next dollar is going to come from.” I worried because the research I developed had a “shelf life” and I would have to identify new cutting-edge research and figure out first what to research and then how to market it. This sent me into panic mode, scrambling for solutions and not being very pleasant to be around until about March. However, after having the core dynamics “debugged” about six years ago, I found myself saying, “Oh gee, I wonder what cool things I’m going to be doing this year to increase my business. It’s sure going to be interesting and fun to find out!” The result of this change of attitude and embracing of change was to double my revenues that first year and enjoy steady growth over the past five years. I see similar results for my clients. They may not double their revenues, but they definitely increase their bottom line and do it with a lot less stress.

Stay tuned for #8: Playing it Safe

Say Hello,Wave Goodbye!™ Series #6

2008-10-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

Do you feel like your career is being derailed?

Get on Track! Be on Track! Stay on Track!™

6. Seeking Validation

Now, when this dynamic is operating, we confuse love, which is unconditional and requires nothing in return, with the need to receive something from someone else. Think of it this way: love lets go and need holds on. This dynamic is based on the illusion that love is something you get from outside of yourself. This is constantly modeled to us through our cultural conditioning, movies, songs, and media, particularly country-western songs. Our whole society talks about getting love from someone else as opposed to understanding that you need to love yourself first. So when this dynamic is no longer present, you say, “I love unconditionally and participate in relationships of mutual giving.” This enables you to truly network quality relationships.

Stay tuned for #7: Fearing Change

Say Hello,Wave Goodbye!™ Series #5

2008-09-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Do you feel like your career is being derailed?

Get on Track! Be on Track! Stay on Track!™

5. Lacking Self-Esteem

When this dynamic is operating, we try to get a sense of ourselves from outside sources. For instance, we might define ourselves by our actions, our accomplishments, or maybe our possessions. It’s based on the illusion that we are incomplete and something outside of ourselves will complete us and make us whole and contribute to our happiness. Basically we are saying, once we have that promotion, that corner office, that bonus, things will be perfect. Or, if only this person (my spouse, my boss, my parent) acted better I would be happy. Those things are outside of you, as opposed to saying, “Look. I am whole and complete as I am. And I am just fine.” When this dynamic is no longer present, you have self-appreciation and are naturally happy. You recognize that external conditions do not dictate your self-worth. You are in control of your personal happiness.

Stay tuned for #6: Seeking Validation

Say Hello,Wave Goodbye!™ Series #4

2008-09-22T18:00:00.000-07:00

Do you feel like your career is being derailed?

Get on Track! Be on Track! Stay on Track!™

This is a a continuation of our series on achieving success. Many of us are plagued with habits that keep us from being the best that we can be in our job, our career, or in life. Say Hello,Wave Goodbye!™ is an innovative coaching approach that removes those destructive habits and allows you to move forward and gain success. This series of blogs addresses the 12 most common habits that hold you back. They are called Core Dynamics of Common Problems™, which are excerpted from my chapter in the book, Coaching for Success (2008). You’ll learn why you are stuck and how the removal of these dynamics will set you free to pursue your goals. Last time we covered Being Judgmental. This issue will cover Getting Distracted.

4. Getting Distracted

When this dynamic is operating, we’re avoiding the present. We don’t deal with the here and now and instead get lost in stories that we created about past events or we start possibly projecting negative outcomes into the future. We avoid being present because we fear that if we do stay present we won’t be able to deal with whatever feelings come up.

Remarkably, the fear of the feeling is often worse than dealing with the feeling itself. Many addictions that people experience are a result of a number of unresolved emotions about the past. They feel it’s too intense to deal with the present. They often numb themselves with addictions whether it is smoking, eating, drinking, or drugs because they do not want to feel the intensity of what might come up if they allowed themselves to stay present.

In business, managers sometimes ignore harsh realities and bury their head in the sand because it could be too frightening to think about the business going under, job loss, or other consequences. Once this dynamic is dismantled, people feel they can live completely present and in the moment. Decisions improve.

Stay tuned for #5: Lacking Self-Esteem

Say Hello,Wave Goodbye!™ Series #3

2008-09-15T07:05:00.000-07:00

Do you feel like your career is being derailed?

Get on Track! Be on Track! Stay on Track!™

3. Being Judgmental.

When we judge something or someone, we’re distancing ourselves by attempting to create a feeling of being separate from it. We might say, “Hey, I’m not like that.” However, in reality, the things we judge often reflect a part of ourselves that for some reason we don’t want to acknowledge. We find, for example, that when we don’t have any kind of charge about something, we feel neutral toward it, so we’re not judging it. But, if something is causing us to feel uncomfortable, we have a habit of avoiding issues that we really probably need to address or resolve within ourselves.

Interestingly, when this is present, we are often hardest on ourselves. We don’t try things because we don’t want others to judge us as we would judge others. This can paralyze us from moving forward because we want to be perfect. When we don’t have this issue, we feel that everything we experience is a part of us and we acknowledge and embrace it. In business, this gives us the courage to depart from convention, try new things, and fearlessly move forward.

Stay tuned for #4: Getting Distracted

Wave Goodbye, Say Hello!™ Series #2

2008-09-08T06:53:00.000-07:00

Do you feel like your career is being derailed?

Get on Track! Be on Track! Stay on Track!™

This is a continuation of our series on achieving success. Many of us are plagued with habits that keep us from being the best that we can be in our job, our career, or in life. Say Hello,Wave Goodbye!™ is an innovative coaching approach that removes those destructive habits and allows you to move forward and gain success. This series of blogs addresses the 12 most common habits that hold you back. They are called Core Dynamics of Common Problems™, which are excerpted from my chapter in the book, Coaching for Success (2008). You’ll learn why you are stuck and how the removal of these dynamics will set you free to pursue your goals. Last time we covered Limiting Possibilities. This issue will cover Disregarding Your Instincts

2. Disregarding your Instincts

In this case, you are ignoring your intuition. This dynamic occurs from having been punished as a child for acting on your inner knowing, or intuition. It’s based on the illusion that if you act on your intuition you’re going to be overwhelmed with the consequences, such as punishment or upsetting someone. Let’s say you were a kid and you had an artistic creative bent. You had this intuition that you wanted to draw so you looked for an ideal blank canvas—the wall. You had a great time with your crayons and were very proud of your work. But then, in walked your parent who spied your artistic creation and starting yelling, “What are you doing?” or maybe even smacked you. Now you think, “Well, gee, if I ever do what I feel inside of myself, I am going to get punished and make someone upset.” So you don’t act on your intuition and ignore that little voice. The reality is, however, if you follow your instincts they rarely betray you.

In the book, Coaching for Success, I am interviewed by David Wright. When I began discussing this dynamic, the following dialogue ensued.

Now, let me ask you this, David. Do you tend to trust your instincts?

Wright
Yes.

Fried
What happens? Have they ever failed you?

Wright
Yes.

Fried
They failed you?

Wright
Yes. Sometimes.

Fried
Sometimes. Hmm . . . Were you truly listening to your instincts or were you applying logic? Or perhaps there was some other personal agenda operating that drowned that little voice.

Wright
I have misjudged people a lot down through the years.

Fried
That’s interesting because generally, when we trust our instincts, there is a little voice within telling us whether or not we should do something. If we ignore that voice and apply logic or get distracted by a personal agenda, we are usually wrong. Generally, when we trust our instincts, we are right. Now, it could be that there was something in your particular case where you were applying thinking (instead of knowing) or personal desire. If you think back you will probably realize that on some level, you really knew what you should have done, but you quieted that voice and acted otherwise. When this happens, sometimes I will ask clients, “What were you pretending not to know?”

Wright
You are probably right. I have this bad habit—character flaw actually—that wants to save everybody in the whole world. Sometimes people don’t want to be saved. I always go into a relationship—business, employment, or whatever—hoping for the best. Sometimes I have been discouraged about the results.

Fried
So, you did know it, you were just hoping that in your desire to save them, you could. But your intuition told you there was an issue. You didn’t listen and you went down the rescue path. (For the record, David, you can’t save people. They have to want to save themselves. For that reason, I refuse coaching clients who aren’t committed to the process.)

Wright
I wish you had told me that a few years ago!

Fried
It’s never too late to learn—if you really want to! Basically, when we have removed the issues surrounding what keeps people from trusting their intuition, they feel that they can completely trust their intuition and always act on it. From a business perspective, trusting our instincts helps us make better choices and keeps us from going into analysis paralysis.

Stay tuned for #3: Being Judgemental

Wave Goodbye, Say Hello!™ Series #1

2008-08-30T19:26:00.000-07:00

Do you feel like your career is being derailed?

Get on Track! Be on Track! Stay on Track!™

Many of us are plagued with habits that keep us from being the best that we can be in our job, our career, or in life. Say Hello,Wave Goodbye!™ is an innovative coaching approach that removes those destructive habits and allows you to move forward and gain success. This series of blogs addresses the 12 most common habits that hold you back. They are called Core Dynamics of Common Problems™, which are excerpted from my chapter in the book, Coaching for Success (2008). You’ll learn why you are stuck and how the removal of these dynamics will set you free to pursue your goals. I will cover one dynamic each week and describe how it affects you. Once you understand how these dynamics hold you back, I'll show you what I do to help you get rid of them and achieve the success you deserve.

1. Limiting Possibilities

This dynamic is based on the illusion that if you experience things fully you won’t be able to handle the feelings that come up and fear you’ll become overwhelmed emotionally. (And really, who among us ever wants to let anyone know we feel that we are freaking out?) This illusion comes from experiences of having been overwhelmed by intense feelings when we were very young. In order to avoid this overwhelming feeling, we make the inner decision to resist feeling things fully. Physiologically, as children, we only have so much ability to handle emotional crises because the place in our brain that is designed to handle difficult situations (spindle cells) has not matured. As adults this area grows and matures, enabling us to deal with complex situations without the fear of falling apart.

Tom Stone, President of Great Life Technologies, uses a computer analogy to explain this capacity. The original PCs operated on DOS. They often crashed if given complex programs. Today, we have Windows Vista, which handles hugely complex programs that DOS could never handle. The problem with humans is that many still operate emotionally on “DOS.” They don’t even realize they have an emotional “Windows Vista” operating system, capable of handling so much more. So one of the first things I do is dismantle that perception. When you are free of this obstacle, you say, “I can feel anything without fear of collapsing into being overwhelmed.” In other words, “I’m cool with it, bring it on.” In business, this will help you deal with complex issues without being an emotional wreck. You are able to take on assignments that are broader in scope and enjoy the responsibility and rewards that come with it.

Stay tuned for #2: Disregarding Your Instincts

Leadership and Supervisory Blended Learning Work Well with the Train to Ingrain Process

2007-12-01T19:27:00.000-08:00

It's been a very productive year, with lots of speaking engagements spreading the word about Training to Ingrain to help individuals and organizations achieve a greater ROI from their Supervisory and Leadership Training Programs . I was invited to give presentations to the fall PIHRA conference, the North County Personal Society, and SDSU Extension to name a few.

I always have to remind executives that training is a process, not an event. Thus, the "Train to Ingrain" model begins with 360 Degree Feedback to form a baseline measurement that is then followed by skill-based training and reinforced with coaching and ongoing feedback. It always surprises me that companies are willing to spend boatloads of dollars on supervisory or leadership training, but don't spend the time or the money to measure or reinforce the skills to protect their investment.

Consider watching this 3-minute movie--It powerfully demonstrates the Train to Ingrain process and why coaching, reinforcement, and measurements are critical components to an effective training model.

Blended learning seems to be working well with this model. Self-paced online programs have been quite a viable alternative to the standard classroom, especially for companies having difficulty pulling groups of people away from the job for extended periods. Typically, a 2-hour lunch 'n' learn allowing for practice role play activities and discussion is an effective alternative.

If you'd like to know more about Training to Ingrain I offer a complimentary copy of the 91-page white paper. It contains a bounty of information to help your organization make learning stick.

In my next post, I'll tell you about an intriguing new coaching technique I've added to my toolbox after attending a seminar this summer.

The Wavemaker can help improve your golf game!

2005-06-30T21:33:00.000-07:00

I love working with folks who truly want to excel and just need some help clearing the path to success. One of my favorite wavemaker coaching stories is about, Paula, who has given me permission to reveal her story. Paula wanted very much to become a "scratch" golfer. Not knowing much about golf, I soon learned that that was someone who always played each hole at at least par.

Paula didn't learn to play until she was over 50, so it was a challenging sport for her. Her sister, on the other hand, was quite experienced and an accomplished player--the darling of all the clubs she joined, where she quickly rose to the top-ranking player. It was Paula's sister who encouraged Paula to take up the game and bought her a set of clubs for her birthday.

Unfortunately, her sister's instructional process caused Paula much distress. During lessons she scolded Paula for not having the right club out and ready to play. "You don't want to make others wait for you... if you do, they won't want to play with you."

By the time Paula would tee-up she was a wreck, trying to remember all the rules and the proper protocol. She was forever hearing her sister's stern voice in her head, ruining her focus and enjoyment of the game.

We determined that her sister's voice was a clear barrier to Paula's excelling at the game, but as an experienced coach, I knew there was something deeper going on. I got beneath the surface and used the Wavemaker to eliminate the real issue. Four days later, Paula played in a tournament with three others in her group. The team, not only won, but Paula no longer heard her sister's voice, and hasn't since! Her game has steadily improved, and one day while I was shopping I got an unexpected call on my cell phone. It was Paula filled with excitement as she exclaimed, "Elizabeth, you aren't going to believe this, but I got a hole in one!

I was delighted for her, but I attribute that mostly to luck. The key point is that she has been able to focus and stay relaxed about her game at the same time. The wavemaker made the difference for her. It didn't require hours and hours of coaching. Within two hours, we had it licked.