Say Hello,Wave Goodbye!™ Series #5

Do you feel like your career is being derailed?

Get on Track! Be on Track! Stay on Track!™

This is a continuation of our series on achieving success. Many of us are plagued with habits that keep us from being the best that we can be in our job, our career, or in life. Say Hello,Wave Goodbye!™ is an innovative coaching approach that removes those destructive habits and allows you to move forward and gain success. This series of blogs addresses the 12 most common habits that hold you back. They are called Core Dynamics of Common Problems™, which are excerpted from my chapter in the book, Coaching for Success (2008). You’ll learn why you are stuck and how the removal of these dynamics will set you free to pursue your goals. Last time we covered Getting Distracted. This issue will cover Lacking Self-Esteem.

5. Lacking Self-Esteem

When this dynamic is operating, we try to get a sense of ourselves from outside sources. For instance, we might define ourselves by our actions, our accomplishments, or maybe our possessions. It’s based on the illusion that we are incomplete and something outside of ourselves will complete us and make us whole and contribute to our happiness. Basically we are saying, once we have that promotion, that corner office, that bonus, things will be perfect. Or, if only this person (my spouse, my boss, my parent) acted better I would be happy. Those things are outside of you, as opposed to saying, “Look. I am whole and complete as I am. And I am just fine.” When this dynamic is no longer present, you have self-appreciation and are naturally happy. You recognize that external conditions do not dictate your self-worth. You are in control of your personal happiness.

Stay tuned for #6: Seeking Validation

Say Hello,Wave Goodbye!™ Series #4

Do you feel like your career is being derailed?

Get on Track! Be on Track! Stay on Track!™

This is a a continuation of our series on achieving success. Many of us are plagued with habits that keep us from being the best that we can be in our job, our career, or in life. Say Hello,Wave Goodbye!™ is an innovative coaching approach that removes those destructive habits and allows you to move forward and gain success. This series of blogs addresses the 12 most common habits that hold you back. They are called Core Dynamics of Common Problems™, which are excerpted from my chapter in the book, Coaching for Success (2008). You’ll learn why you are stuck and how the removal of these dynamics will set you free to pursue your goals. Last time we covered Being Judgmental. This issue will cover Getting Distracted.

4. Getting Distracted

When this dynamic is operating, we’re avoiding the present. We don’t deal with the here and now and instead get lost in stories that we created about past events or we start possibly projecting negative outcomes into the future. We avoid being present because we fear that if we do stay present we won’t be able to deal with whatever feelings come up.

Remarkably, the fear of the feeling is often worse than dealing with the feeling itself. Many addictions that people experience are a result of a number of unresolved emotions about the past. They feel it’s too intense to deal with the present. They often numb themselves with addictions whether it is smoking, eating, drinking, or drugs because they do not want to feel the intensity of what might come up if they allowed themselves to stay present.

In business, managers sometimes ignore harsh realities and bury their head in the sand because it could be too frightening to think about the business going under, job loss, or other consequences. Once this dynamic is dismantled, people feel they can live completely present and in the moment. Decisions improve.

Stay tuned for #5: Lacking Self-Esteem

Say Hello,Wave Goodbye!™ Series #3

Do you feel like your career is being derailed?

Get on Track! Be on Track! Stay on Track!™

This is a continuation of our series on achieving success. Many of us are plagued with habits that keep us from being the best that we can be in our job, our career, or in life. Say Hello,Wave Goodbye!™ is an innovative coaching approach that removes those destructive habits and allows you to move forward and gain success. This series of blogs addresses the 12 most common habits that hold you back. They are called Core Dynamics of Common Problems™, which are excerpted from my chapter in the book, Coaching for Success (2008). You’ll learn why you are stuck and how the removal of these dynamics will set you free to pursue your goals. Last time we covered Disregarding Your Instincts. This issue will cover Being Judgmental.

3. Being Judgmental.

When we judge something or someone, we’re distancing ourselves by attempting to create a feeling of being separate from it. We might say, “Hey, I’m not like that.” However, in reality, the things we judge often reflect a part of ourselves that for some reason we don’t want to acknowledge. We find, for example, that when we don’t have any kind of charge about something, we feel neutral toward it, so we’re not judging it. But, if something is causing us to feel uncomfortable, we have a habit of avoiding issues that we really probably need to address or resolve within ourselves.

Interestingly, when this is present, we are often hardest on ourselves. We don’t try things because we don’t want others to judge us as we would judge others. This can paralyze us from moving forward because we want to be perfect. When we don’t have this issue, we feel that everything we experience is a part of us and we acknowledge and embrace it. In business, this gives us the courage to depart from convention, try new things, and fearlessly move forward.

Stay tuned for #4: Getting Distracted

Wave Goodbye, Say Hello!™ Series #2

Do you feel like your career is being derailed?

Get on Track! Be on Track! Stay on Track!™

This is a continuation of our series on achieving success. Many of us are plagued with habits that keep us from being the best that we can be in our job, our career, or in life. Say Hello,Wave Goodbye!™ is an innovative coaching approach that removes those destructive habits and allows you to move forward and gain success. This series of blogs addresses the 12 most common habits that hold you back. They are called Core Dynamics of Common Problems™, which are excerpted from my chapter in the book, Coaching for Success (2008). You’ll learn why you are stuck and how the removal of these dynamics will set you free to pursue your goals. Last time we covered Limiting Possibilities. This issue will cover Disregarding Your Instincts

2. Disregarding your Instincts

In this case, you are ignoring your intuition. This dynamic occurs from having been punished as a child for acting on your inner knowing, or intuition. It’s based on the illusion that if you act on your intuition you’re going to be overwhelmed with the consequences, such as punishment or upsetting someone. Let’s say you were a kid and you had an artistic creative bent. You had this intuition that you wanted to draw so you looked for an ideal blank canvas—the wall. You had a great time with your crayons and were very proud of your work. But then, in walked your parent who spied your artistic creation and starting yelling, “What are you doing?” or maybe even smacked you. Now you think, “Well, gee, if I ever do what I feel inside of myself, I am going to get punished and make someone upset.” So you don’t act on your intuition and ignore that little voice. The reality is, however, if you follow your instincts they rarely betray you.

In the book, Coaching for Success, I am interviewed by David Wright. When I began discussing this dynamic, the following dialogue ensued.

Now, let me ask you this, David. Do you tend to trust your instincts?

Wright
Yes.

Fried
What happens? Have they ever failed you?

Wright
Yes.

Fried
They failed you?

Wright
Yes. Sometimes.

Fried
Sometimes. Hmm . . . Were you truly listening to your instincts or were you applying logic? Or perhaps there was some other personal agenda operating that drowned that little voice.

Wright
I have misjudged people a lot down through the years.

Fried
That’s interesting because generally, when we trust our instincts, there is a little voice within telling us whether or not we should do something. If we ignore that voice and apply logic or get distracted by a personal agenda, we are usually wrong. Generally, when we trust our instincts, we are right. Now, it could be that there was something in your particular case where you were applying thinking (instead of knowing) or personal desire. If you think back you will probably realize that on some level, you really knew what you should have done, but you quieted that voice and acted otherwise. When this happens, sometimes I will ask clients, “What were you pretending not to know?”

Wright
You are probably right. I have this bad habit—character flaw actually—that wants to save everybody in the whole world. Sometimes people don’t want to be saved. I always go into a relationship—business, employment, or whatever—hoping for the best. Sometimes I have been discouraged about the results.

Fried
So, you did know it, you were just hoping that in your desire to save them, you could. But your intuition told you there was an issue. You didn’t listen and you went down the rescue path. (For the record, David, you can’t save people. They have to want to save themselves. For that reason, I refuse coaching clients who aren’t committed to the process.)

Wright
I wish you had told me that a few years ago!

Fried
It’s never too late to learn—if you really want to! Basically, when we have removed the issues surrounding what keeps people from trusting their intuition, they feel that they can completely trust their intuition and always act on it. From a business perspective, trusting our instincts helps us make better choices and keeps us from going into analysis paralysis.

Stay tuned for #3: Being Judgemental